I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
