the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
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I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
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I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
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