My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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