Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
