I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
BRING THE BAGELS
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
