i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
