There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
