Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
