she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
