mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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