I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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