whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
