He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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