i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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