You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.