i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”