Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
