Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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