i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
