I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
