Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
