bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
