I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
