you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Dear god my vagina.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
