I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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