please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
