she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
