Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
