My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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