Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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