Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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