If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
