i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
