rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
