I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
