new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
