Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
