Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
So apparently I’m into choking now
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