how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
