Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
