I wish I could teleport
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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