I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I have post one night stand depression
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