i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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