I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
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