I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
