Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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