im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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