i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
3 2 1 whiskey
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
