Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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