chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
