I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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