I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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