So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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