this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
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