I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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