my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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