found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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