I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
