The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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