who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You are the jesus of drinking
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
