dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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